Top Ten Numbers of All Time

Aww yeah, don’t you just love a good number? They’re good for so much! Counting, addresses, more counting.

But do you ever find yourself wondering which number is best? Who tops the charts? Which number is number one? Is it the number one?

Wonder no more friend. We here at Tim and Simon have compiled the definitive top ten numbers of all time.


A good number for fingers*, but a bad count for testicles.

If you’re a fan of decimalisation then you’ll likely be a fan of the number ten, and the French. The traditional Snellen chart uses 10 different letters… I C U B looking at my tiny letters.


Alan Shearer, Gerd Müller and Christopher Eccleston. All famous number nines.

According to Yoga, the human body has nine doors – two eyes, two ears, the mouth, two nostrils, and the openings for defecation and procreation… and that’s why you should never trust a door to door salesmen.


A figure of 8 is a great track for Scalextric, but not for Network Rail.

If you’re an arachnophobe then you’ll be terrified of all things with eight legs: spiders, scorpions, Little Mix. Having said that, octopodes also have eight legs and we’ve never met an octopus we didn’t like. Accept Paul, he was a fraud and still owes us money.


As you all know, Seven is the lowest natural number that cannot be represented as the sum of the squares of three integers. Humans like to group things in sevens. Like dwarves, days of the week and Shed.

7 is also a 2003 Enrique Iglesias album. It is truly magnificent. The number, that is – we have no idea what an Iglesias is. Possibly an ice cream?


Sure 666 is the number of the beast, but we promise it’s a sexy beast and that’s why it’s number six in our list.

The latin for six is sex, hence sextuplets, sexdactyly and sexy prime numbers which are genuinely a thing.

The last time we saw sexy and prime together in the same sentence was when googling Transformers cosplay.




Whether fantastic or fab, the number four really is the [insert four letter word].

Four legs are more stable that two, which is why our biped chairs didn’t sell very well and all flying insects have four wings – except flies. And that, our friend, is why no one likes them.


Three looks like an 8 sawn in half and that is why three is the magic number. Other naff illusions include pulling rabbits from headwear which is a hat trick… Thank you.

Three is also great for synchronisation. On the count of three join in with me:

1, 2, 3… Sandwiches. Jinx. Bad luck, you can’t speak now.

Speaking of bad luck, that usually comes in threes too, along with blind mice, little pigs and Hanson.


Two is a number, numeral, and glyph. It is the natural number following 1 and preceding 3.

Whilst the number two has connotations with the devil’s dumplings, we cannot rule out its importance. We humans, as a general rule, have a lot of pairs; arms, eyes, ears, legs, lungs, thumbs, tongues, horns and breasticles.

As the old saying goes, it takes two to tango, but only one to Dr Pepper.


So we reach number one in the top ten numbers of all time, the one number you’ve been waiting for to find out if the the number one top number one of all time is the number one number in the top ten you were wanting it to be. Without further number ado, here is number one of the Top Ten Numbers of All Time:


Because it looks a bit like a swan swimming in front of some massive vertical boobs.

So there you have. The definitive top 10 numbers of all time. What do you think? Did we miss one out? And don’t worry, we’ve lifted your jinx so you can now comment below!

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