How To Queue

As you may know, Tim and Simon are British, and being British means we love to queue.

It’s the fairest way of agreeing who gets a good or service first. But there are a number of “types” out there who do not understand how to queue.

These are the worst of those types.

Do not be any of these people. 

1. Queue Jumping Jenny

Really, this one goes without saying, you selfish barstool. You weren’t here first, how bloody dare you?! Tim’s so infuriated he’s going to tut and nearly say something. Simon might even give someone near us a ‘knowing look’. You made him do that!

There are several types of queue jumpers, but the most annoying are those that join their friends. No. Stop yourself right there, you massive rude thing of phallic origin! You should have turned up when they did. Now take your proper queue position. The only way we can combat this is by refusing our own friends any sort of queue skippage. Do it! Do it for the greater queueing good!

2. Slow Morris

We understand that you’re not going to get to the front any quicker, but please, for the sake of our children, move the hell forward! Without a proper sense of progression, all of us behind you feel that our lives are amounting to nothing.

3. Space Invader Steve

Don’t be breathing down the neck of the person in front like a disapproving conscience, or that man you met in Blackpool who doesn’t like the Scottish. This is especially important when you’re behind the shopper who is at the front about to pay.

Why are you so close? You’re making people cover up their PIN as they enter it! Simon used to feel safe in here, but tomorrow he’ll be going elsewhere to buy his Bingo Blue scratchcards.

4. Stan In The Wrong Place.  

Don’t be the person who queues in the wrong place. This forces everyone else who joins the queue to break the rules. To add to the confusion, an easily confused regular queuer queues where they normally do. This creates a hideous multi-legged spider queue and the regular customer becomes an inadvertent queue jumper. There are systems. Do not break them.

5. Courteous Asshole Sue

Oh, you’re in a hurry and want to nip ahead of us? No! When it comes to queueing, stay exactly where you jeffing are! We were here first, and you were here before the person behind you: that’s how queueing works. Yes, you may only have one item, but you are destroying lives in one-item increments. Go to the self check out, or the 10 items of less till. Yes that’s Steve’s till, but he’ll only bite you if you make eye contact. Better still, shoplift. Anything but destroy this traditional British system.

Wow! Didn’t realise we had so much to get off our chests…

In conclusion: When joining a queue, join at the back and move forward in an orderly fashion until it’s your turn.

That is all. Happy queueing!


P.S. Don’t actually shoplift, there are youths you can employ to do that for you. But then again, the rates they charge these days, it’s cheaper to just buy the product in the first place. So just join the bloody queue and shut up.

One comment

  1. I live in Spain and I have to say we have another type: the Merging Manuela.
    A lady of the elderly persuasion who forms a new queue perpendicular to the original, which only other Merging Manuela may join. She then proceeds to merge with the original queue behind the person at the front, all the while chatting with the person behind the till who can only nod politely as everyone bears witness to absolute queue anarchy.

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