Five Reasons To Like Spiders

It’s September, meaning your chance of spotting a hairy little creature under your bed is greater than ever and not just because Tim loves to play hide and seek.

Some people like to call it ‘Spider Month’, whilst others like to call it ‘Get That Creepy Bastard Out of my Bath Month’, and not just because Simon loves to play hide and seek.

Whichever camp you sit in, here are the five reasons why you should actively like spiders:


1. They eat flies and flies are pricks.

2. Spiders use blood pressure help move their legs. So, next time your doctor tells you that yours is too high, ask him if he’s ever seen an obese spider. Then throw string all over him whilst shouting “You’re my fly now”.

3. If you sell tiny shoes, you could make a lot of money. It’s just a shame that spiders don’t understand the basic concept of trade, or laces.

4. When some spiders are scared, they shoot hairs out of their ass. A super ability which all of us envy. Bringing us neatly on to

5. Spiderman. Although given that so many people hate spiders, you’d think a man with the arachnid powers would be a public hate figure. They also pick all the fun powers like wall climbing and super strength. Kirsten Dunst wouldn’t be into a gut sucking eight-eyed monster who shot hairs from his ass would she? Or would she?


There you have it. Spiders are actually quite interesting. As a reward, here’s a genuine tip to help keep out the big hairy bastards.

Apparently cellar spiders (the ones with the little bodies and the long skinny legs) are incompatible with the big hairy spiders and will kill them.

So if you can put up with them sitting in the corners of the room, you may see less of the scary boys. And yes, they do tend to be boys, as they’re currently stalking the lady spiders in the vague hope of a shag.  

Good luck.

Tim and Simon.

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